Catching up with things

         It's been some time since I have written here...and I think I already started another blog that way...but I digress. My recovery has been been progressing rather well these last few months...and I can say that I have gone >120 days without a destructive incident occurring. This is good. The state of my life is, as only I can report on it, stable....but not without it's problems, as there are with everyone. But sometimes I still find myself looking up at a clear night sky and wishing I can just be floating out there in that dark deep emptiness and just let my troubles be consumed by its vastness so I can have more than just a passing measure of peace. But I can settle for passing measures for now. They get me through the day...as well as the night.

Possible Vindication?

A lot of things have changed for me since I have last written here, surprisingly. I have been approached by the men's epee captain and my good friend, Dane, and told that according to the powers that be in the fencing club, I have made enough noticeable progress to warrant a slight 'lift' in my travel grounding. I have been asked to lead the B squad in a trip to Georgia. Not quite the responsibility actually. It's only a small drive, and it will only be with some of the men on the team that I do not socialize with that much. Still, it was surprising to receive the message. I don't really know what to make of it at the moment. I didn't feel elated, that is certain. I just took it with a grain of salt almost. I don't feel that the team would stab me in the back, no pun intended, but I do feel that they all look at me very differently since everything that transpired over the summer has happened. I don't really know anymore. I am simply going along with it and telling them that I am happy, as they probably expect me to be, and telling them that I still might not be able to go due to real technical reasons keeping me grounded still, such as monetary problems and academic conflicts. So I am telling them the truth, just not the whole truth. They have to remember that I also look at them differently since they told me that I had become a 'liability' to the team over what happened during the end of the summer which did not even have to do with the team. They did not fully understand the commitment that I have given to this team. Many others that I know would have already left or have simply flaked away given the same circumstances. I have not. I deserve every recognition from them in that regard.

Momento

Just watched Memento, a small time great film by Christopher Nolan that is done rather masterfully. The protagonist suffers anterograde amnesia and cannot store any new memories past an event in his life. The movie is beautifully written and always leaves me thinking about that kind of thought pattern for some time afterward. I must admit, I am always asking myself what kind of hell it must be to not be able to make new memories. To be stuck in limbo, and only be able to get to that realization before some unexpected event makes you lose focus and leads you again into the general state of confusion and wonder about where you are. I would never know what I would do if I was in that state through some unfortunate accident. Well if I was in that sort of state I would not be able to focus long enough to suffer that realization all the time, so I suppose that it would actually be a small type of reprieve.

Late night pondering p.2

I am currently reading a book on linux and learning the whole system as well as C++ to augment my understanding of IDL (interactive data language) which is C++ derived. Well for starters, IDL is an abysmally unfriendly language to be thrown headfirst into and I must say that I am rather irked by it still even after using it for almost 3years now. But linux itself is quite a nice system. However, I am forced to have to run it through WUBI since windows has seen it fit to make it damn near impossible to correctly partition my harddrive so that I can install linux correctly as a permanent dual boot operating system. Ce la vie. 

Saturday evening blues

I am sad at the moment, and I would like to understand why. My relationship has been over since late July, and it is still painful to think about. Time heals all wounds right? I guess not in my case, or at least not as easily in my case. She meant...no...she still means a lot to me and she won't even talk to me. She says that she unintentionally put up a barrier when she broke up with me that makes her feel nothing but awkwardness around me. You would think that since she broke up with me and that she has already stated that she no longer has feelings for me that she would not care to be around me, but no, she feels uncomfortable and awkward. What the hell am I supposed to gather from that? I would sure like an explanation as to why this developed. She got tired of me apparently, me and my depression and the toll it was taking on her became too much for her. But then why feel awkward around me, as if I intentionally did the things I did to hurt her? She knows I did not mean to hurt her. Yet she treats the end of the relationship as if she got away from a monster. Maybe I am one and do not know it yet. She has blindly stated, as if she knows what is going on in my head better than me, that she became an outlet. Ok Miss Freud, what about your theory when I get through this and no longer need an external outlet and still want you to be with me? What then? What will that mean when you find that you are wrong about all this?

Profile Picture

So, I thought it might be of interest to point out that my profile picture is that of my right hand taken around late August. I was quite angry at the time and decided that punching the wall of my apartment was ok. Not ok, I just really didn't care about punching the wall. Not the walls in my room are plaster with studding while the walls of my living room(which is where the punch occurred) are solid cinder block. I didn't discover this second fact until I had already punched the wall. I broke my fifth metacarpal bone in what was categorized as  boxer's type injury. At the time that I am writing this post, I have no cast and currently only have a small kink on my pinky where the reset bone healed up. I have full use of my right hand and am currently performing light exercise to get it back to full strength and use. Let us leave it at my having learned my lesson. Next time get a ball and kick it to kingdom come somewhere.

Late night pondering

Its 0114am right now, and I am listening to the soundtrack to "The Social Network". Pretty great soundtrack, reminds me of an amalgamation of Fight Club and Choke for some reason. I suffer from late nights so most of my posts should or will be late night quandaries regarding varying situations of interest in my life. Right now i'm just trying to still get over my last relationship which is becoming a damned hard task. Oh well, guess it's back to the drawing board for now. I can't help but wonder what it is that prompted me to start a blog, but I will admit i am a bit curious as to the normal state of 'first posts' on new blogs. I wonder what deviation, if any, my first post has from the norm, if its even possibly quantifiable.